The Alphabet As I Currently See It

As an adult, father, husband, the English alphabet has taken on new meaning. 

No longer does A stand for Absolut, All in or Awesome, for me it now is present in AJ!!! Andy and ok, some things are still just Awesome. 

B no longer (and I’m not sure it ever really did) stands for Bronco, Benz, BMW, Bass.  However hopefully, I can replace those fuzzy memories.  B now is Big Bird, Barney (the purple dinosaur and the current Doogie Houser) and sometimes Backpack Backpack.  Oh, B has and always will mean Buccaneers.  Go Bucs!

C does not represent Cars (actual Cars), it is now replaced by Cars 1 and Cars 2 (see fascinating article titled Accident happens while watching Cars, toddler needs pull-up.)  Cool is always Cool.  Cool? Cool.

D will not be understood as Draft beer but Dora and Diego instead.  No more Day at the beach, but rather Drag a bunch of crap to the beach, with that said, I’m keeping the Draft beer since I’ll be cleaning up plastic Dinosaurs anyway.

E is not well represented any longer in E-mails, EBay and ESPN.  Instead, E stands for Elephant, Elves, chuck E. cheese, (hopefully chuck E. cheese will have ESPN on).

F still stands for what you think it stands for (see also S).  But this is a Family program. 

G definitely does not stand for Goldschlager or Gin and juice but I will always recognize Snoop’s entrepreneurial spirit and contributions such as this and collaborations on G thang with Dre.  Dre, we can’t forgive you for your Dr. Pepper Ads, but a G thing ain’t nothin’ to me.  Back on track, to my surprise, G in my house is most evident in Gnomeo and Juliet.  AJ’ s current theatrical obsession until the release of Cars 2 and all subsequent discussions with him.  Gnomeo will return only when the inevitable Cars 2 DVD is worn out, scratched, lost or found its way into the sandbox.

H used to mean House party and Hangover, now it just means party and you’ll have a Hangover for 3 days!  Hell yea? Hell no.

The letter I used to mean I want to, I did this, I don’t care about that, now it means I have to, I put that together or away and I cleaned that funk out of the carpet but it stained which sucks because we rent this house and it’s right in the main walkway when you enter the living room.   Thanks a lot I.

J meant Jump around, Jackass.  Now it still means Jump around it’s just that I no longer do the Jumping, yell at the kids for Jumping and supply them with Juiceboxes and Jelly beans, wrestle with them until one of them knees me in the Junk.

K at one point referred to Kraft Dinner, Kid ‘n’ play, still does just different meaning, music and haircuts.  Not necessarily better or worse music, Kid ‘n’ Play is kind of similar to Sesame Street of today, and not necessarily better haircuts, I think evolution is breeding beibercuts.  If we let AJ’s hair get too long, he already starts to look windblown and shiny.  We still occasionally eat Kraft Dinner even if the Beibercut comes to the table. 

L no longer stands for Liquor store; I still have liquor left over from my wedding in 2006.  L now represents the words spoken like a broken record, LEARN TO LISTEN!!  (For you youngsters, think of a broken CD, MP3 or IPOD). 

M does not mean Mustang but rather Minivan (the minivan is so much more comfy to drive), not Midnight but rather Middle of the night, not Making a beer run, but Making dinner, bottles or breakfast.

N still means No, we are just refusing different things (or refused different things).  No hitting, No biting, No running, No treats, No putting yogurt in your brother’s hair….This could go on forever so I’ll end N with NO FINGERS IN YOUR NOSE!

O does not mean Old as in my teens and twenties, my ripe old age of 35 would have been looked at as Old, now I can refer to age as Optional, you’re only as old as you feel, (insert additional cliché here).  Old for me is irrelevant, as I remember being 19-20 years old and hanging out with a 27 year old friend who seemed so Old then.  So if I’m 35 years Old now, then that dude is probably on his death bed!!

P no longer represents privacy as it now unfortunately represents Pee, Poop and Phhhhbbbbbbbttttt! I say this as my 1 year old son spits out “the raspberries” splattering my left leg with slobber and my 3 year old laughs and does the same to my right leg.  Gross.  Not funny boys time out (See T)

Q is not Questions (alright, Q is hard) and answers but rather Quest (see also M).  Q currently is QUIET!! and the lack thereof.  Quickly, they will never understand this word as there is a constant lack of urgency.

R is no longer Respite, Relaxation or Ramen noodles.  R is now well represented in no Running, no Rough housing, Really? Really.

S is as Same as it ever was.  Same as it ever was.

T used to mean Too loud? Now it means Too loud! Two loud Toddlers, Too early.  Time out.  Yes, Time out!    

U is no longer  Uber or Ultra anything.  It’s Underwear, Under where? Under wherever they can hide it, the baby throws stuff out on a daily basis as he likes the swinging trash lid.  U know Andy, you can still hit the trash lid and make it swing without putting my cell phone in there. 

V once meant Vans, Versus and Variety.  Variety still exists in very different context and Versus no longer occurs while wearing Vans.  Volleyball has been replaced by daily Vitamins.  Thank you Flintstones.

W meant Wings.  W now means Water Wings, Wet diapers, Weird smells.  We’ll leave W alone.  I love Wings. 

X meant X-rays, X-box.   X-rays still current, they’re just not mine and much smaller.  X-rays and stitches are really hard to deal with for your own kids; for any kids (X was another tough one, you knew going into this that it would mean X-ray or maybe I could have used Xylophone, yea, my kids have those, take note).

Y was and always will be about You kids! Yelling, daily, hourly, Yearly until they’re 35 and out of the house or that I’m 70 and moving into theirs! 

Z once meant Zingers, in the Zone, Zeppelin.  Now, it stands for….you know what, I’ve put you through enough.  Thank you for sticking through this one, I thought I was clever but found that I was just reciting the alphabet with my 3-year old and it became difficult towards the end.  Seriously, thank you, I need the practice because he’s hard to keep up with.  The kid can probably count higher than me.  OK.  He helped me write this, he corrected spelling and grammar errors that Word missed. 

My last ditch effort, please Like us on Facebook, NCDads.org page.  Thank you again!

 

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One Response to The Alphabet As I Currently See It

  1. Heather says:

    W also should stand for Weird Al-style song parodies composed about their grandchildren by their grandparents in Wisconsin. And sung over and over and over again.

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