Top 10 things parents say that no kid has ever listened to, ever

10.  Be careful.  This is something I say daily, several times.  I know it’s pointless, but when the kids hurdle the baby or steps back on his ear I have to say something!

9.  Drive carefully.  I was a kid and heard this one a thousand times and never once had considered the phrase that would lead to a more productive, courteous, speed-limited and law-abiding commute.  But for the purposes of this list and my audience, it’s for my big-wheel bound monsters that drive into my shins at full speed to see what happens.  It hurts Daddy.  That is what happens.

8.  Have fun.  I’m a kid, that’s my number one priority.  Stop saying dumb things to me Dad.

7.  Behave!  My kids are already in chaos mode, our 4-year old has an amazingly broad vocabulary, behave is not included.  While he can be a good boy when he wants to, it’s just the times when I need him to that he cannot.

6.  Sit still.  While in height he must look up to his older brother, Andy really looks up to AJ for example of how to be a little boy, if big bro cannot sit still, how can we expect middle bro to? Baby bro can barely sit up, so I can’t likely expect him to sit still either.

5.  Don’t run.  I think there’s a science to it as a body in motion tends to stay in motion.  If we must say this, then a boy is already in motion, therefore he must stay in motion and won’t stop running until they reach their destination, sometimes a tree, usually the ground.

4.  Hurry up!  Children have no concept of time and shouldn’t be expected to.  AJ has a “timewatch” that has not yet been set, so if it says it’s 88:88, then that’s the time Dad and I still can’t find my Lightning McQueen and we’re not leaving the house until I do.

3.  Are you listening to me?  If I was listening, you wouldn’t need to ask the question.  Of course I’m not listening to you.  Turn the TV back on.

2.  Go to bed.  “I might go to my room, but you can’t make me go to bed, ok, you can make me go to bed but you can’t make me close my eyes.  I might close my eyes, but that’s just because it’s dark in there and there’s nothing to look at.  Ok, fine, my eyes are closed but you can’t make me fall asl….”

1.  I’m on the phone be quiet!  I’m a toddler and can’t see that you’re speaking to anyone as we kids are the only ones in the car.  Oh wait, I see your phone, must be Grandma and Grandpa.  They like when I yell, they think it’s cute so I should start keep yelling, I’m good at that.  Now Daddy’s yelling, they must like when Daddy yells too, let’s all yell and scream, more and louder.  I like trains and ice cream, my car seat is grey, ooh, a booger.

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